NOTE: It is still incomplete...Just so you know!
Scizo
The life she leads is not so normal
She goes by her day like others
Waiting for doctors to call
With results she dreads to hear
The psychologist wants her to come in
Another session of talking and unanswered questions
Instead she lies
She attends school like the others
Trying to concentrate on the professors lesson
But instead thew radio in her head erupts
Voices fill the space
Cluttering her already muddled mind
Sometimes its only a few voices
Easy to distinguish
Others its a cacophony, like an untuned radio
It becomes hard to concentrate
With all the conversations, singing, and bickering
Taking her attention over
They fall silent, as soon as they came
She attempts to keep herself busy
To keep the voices at bay
It only works for so long
The voices return, never ceasing their constant bombardment
There are only four
Four that are themselves, could be real
Three are females, one male
The boy can control her, take over her actions
It scares her, he only does it when he is angry
Which is not too often, luckily
The girls are nicer, they like to converse
And show me many things
It is always what she can only see
She knows it is not real
But it is hard not to fall into their reality
She is never truely alone
They come when they wish
Or when she is upset and lonely
They keep her company as she sleeps
Someday she will have a husband
What shall she do then?
You're my favorite just so you know.
ReplyDeleteYou asked for critique and so I will come forth with my constructive criticism, blasting out across the interwebs. From my fingers to your eyes.
There are places where it feels too much like a straightforward explanation instead of a poem. It could be adapted into a lovely descriptive piece of prose, but since we are on poems now, I'll point out a few for you.
"Four that are themselves, could be real
Three are females, one male
The boy can control her, take over her actions
It scares her, he only does it when he is angry
Which is not too often, luckily
The girls are nicer, they like to converse
And show me many things
It is always what she can only see
She knows it is not real
But it is hard not to fall into their reality"
So, this place seems more like a description of the event, plus, you change voices part way through. You change from "her" to "me" and while considering the content, it could be a clever device, I think it was an accident because you got too wrapped up in the description of it.
I guess if you threw in some more imagery, played with the way you say things a little bit more. Hell, maybe I'm onto something with writing a descriptive piece that isn't completely poem throughout--a draft if you will--and then playing around with the already established content. Maybe I should try it too.
I think this could be a wonderful piece and that you are a talented writer. I see a lot of potential in this piece.
With much l<3ve,
David the Mathis